The Truth
by floss bucket
Summary: "Me or her? Please, Jack, I need to know! Is it me or her?" Jack's indecision is breaking Ianto and  he's had enough. Janto. Warnings for slash and very dark imagery.


**This fic is for blackteaplease, as always, for being my best friend and keeping me addicted to fanfiction! Also, for putting up with me for over a year! WOOP!**

**Also, warnings in the chapter for strong death images and suicidal themes.**

"I'm still not enough, am I, Jack? No matter what I do or how much I give up for you, I'll always be second best. And you know what the worst part is? No, don't you dare interrupt Jack, not now. The worst part is that I love you and I'm not going to leave you, however much you hurt me. Even if it kills me, I can't leave because I love you." Ianto's voice was breaking, his eyes threatening to spill tears, but he looked Jack in the eye, sincerity pouring through his gaze.

Jack was silent, his mind processing all that Ianto had said. Once he had made sense of everything, he spoke the first thing that came to mind.

"You _love_ me?"

"I wish I didn't," whispered Ianto, his eyes finally disconnecting from Jack's.

"I- I don't know what to say," replied Jack, looking helpless, a rare condition for him.

"Tell me the truth," whispered Ianto again, this time more insistent.

"The truth?" asked Jack

"Me or her? Please, Jack, I need to know! Is it me or her?"

"I- I don't know," said Jack softly, face crumpling as he realised the impact of that statement, "She's everything I can't have, and I can't help but want that. You understand, don't you Ianto? She's forbidden, so I want her. But you, you're here and now and willing, and I just don't know!"

"Make up your mind, Jack. Me or her, because I can't leave you, but I can't live knowing you would rather be with someone else. I need to know if I should end it or not. And don't you dare decide out of guilt, Jack Harkness. Make your decision and I'll make mine."

Jack closed his eyes and let his head rest in his hands. Ianto's comment had brought up memories Jack didn't want to think about. They threatened to overwhelm him and he almost didn't here Ianto's final words.

"I'll be down in the Archives when you're ready."

As the sounds of Ianto's footsteps disappeared into the lower levels of the hub, Jack let his memories rise up again.

_Ianto, bruised and battered and unsmiling for weeks on end._

_Ianto, his cold exterior with the wonderful, beautiful man hidden away underneath._

_Ianto, in pools of his own blood on his bathroom floor, his wrists bleeding heavily._

_Ianto, bandages round both wrists, throwing up the painkillers he'd almost overdosed on._

_Ianto, red eyed and stick thin with a gun held against his head, staring straight at Jack._

At some point the memories ended, and Jack's imagination took over.

_Ianto, broken and bloody on the ground in front of a twenty storey building._

_Ianto, a noose around his neck as he dangled from the ceiling._

_Ianto, lips blue from the poison he'd taken._

_Ianto, cold and pale on a slab in the morgue_

_Ianto, dead._

The tears flooded down Jack's cheeks as the memories overwhelmed him. He was shaking, knees pulled up to his chest as he saw Ianto's death played out over and over again in hundreds of different ways.

It made him sick to the stomach to even think about Ianto dying, but what was even worse was the empty hole that grew in his heart at the thought of a world without the younger man. It would happen someday, Jack knew that, but he was determined that it be as far away as possible, and that Ianto would fight until the very end.

Someone had once told Jack that you never realise how much you care about someone until they're gone, and it seemed that the same thing applied to just imagining they were gone. The thought of losing Gwen, while still upsetting, was nowhere near as bad as the reaction he'd had to the thought of Ianto's death. It was the same sort of pain he felt as when he considered Owen and Tosh's mortality. He loved all his team, but somehow Ianto, the quiet teaboy, had wormed his way into Jack's heart without him even noticing.

He did care about Ianto more than Gwen, and deep down he'd known that all along, but caring for Ianto was harder. Ianto was real, Ianto was possible, Ianto was _dangerous_. Jack had done love before, and every single time it had ended in pain for him, and some subconscious element of his mind was trying to protect him from that pain by making him want only that which he couldn't have.

But Jack realised that that strategy wouldn't work any longer. It was that pain now, or that pain later, with the possibility of true happiness in the meantime. The answer was obvious, and Jack cursed himself for not realising sooner and for hurting Ianto with his stupidity. That was going to change now, he concluding, leaving his office and making his way down to the archives, it was all going to change.

Ianto was sitting at his desk at the archives when Jack arrived, looking more nervous than Ianto had ever seen him. He sat down on the very edge of the desk, hands clasped nervously together as he looked at Ianto.

"Well?" asked Ianto, knowing he didn't need to say anymore.

"You," said Jack softly, looking Ianto straight in the eye.

"Why?" asked Ianto, again keeping his question short. He needed to know though. Jack had to be doing this for the right reasons or it would just hurt more in the long run.

"Because losing you would destroy me." Ianto's heart sank. So it was just out of guilt. Dammit, he'd thought Jack was better than this. But Jack hadn't finished.

"I was an idiot. I was scared to care about you because it would hurt too much. Everyone leaves me, and the less I care, the less it hurts. It's easier to want the people I can never have and try and ignore my feelings. But that's stupid, I know it is. I care too much already. Losing you now would hurt as much as losing you later would, and I have nothing to lose by being with you, only and awful lot to gain."

Jack was smiling at him, his eyes showing a tenderness he had only ever seen when Estelle had died. Ianto's heart almost jumped of his chest at the thought that he was on the receiving end of that tenderness. He smiled back, a true, happy smile that he hadn't smiled since before Canary Wharf. It felt good, no, if felt fantastic.

And it seemed Jack still hadn't finished. "I don't know if I can say I love you yet, but I want you, and I think it's going to be very, very easy to fall in love with you, Jones, Ianto Jones."

And with that he leant forward and captured Ianto's lips in a soft, perfect kiss, the likes of which the two of them had never shared before. Ianto stood up, pulling Jack off the desk and holding him tight.

"Thank you, Jack," he whispered, letting himself relax into the arms of the man he loved.

"No, Ianto, thank you," replied Jack equally softly, with a small kiss pressed to the side of Ianto's head. "I think I might be falling already."

**AN: Thank you for reading this, please review! Also, if you want information on the status of Happily Ever After, it's on my profile page, as is information about the new Merlin/Torchwood crossover I'm planning (Jack/Ianto, Merlin/Arthur, but more Torchwood than Merlin, I think)**

**This is my first Torchwood fic, published (on purpose) exactly one year after my first Merlin fic, to celebrate knowing blackteaplease, and also my reintroduction to writing! Thank you blacktea, I love you!**


End file.
